you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
