Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
