Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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