I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
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I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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