why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
