What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
