I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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