so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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