i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
