I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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