Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
