Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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