True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
