It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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