Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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