My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have feelings that need drinking.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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