I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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