i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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