Someone shit on the floor
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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