She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
