Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
