happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
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He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
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Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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