I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
