don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
