you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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