You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
