Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
