How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
