You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i love accidental penises.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
