I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
