If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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