So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
