I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
