How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
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I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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