Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
