dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
