A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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