Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
