idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
