I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
