I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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