He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Terrible idea I love it
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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