You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
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It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
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And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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