FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
