I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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