Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
