Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
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im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
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I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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