i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
