we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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