I am midnight drunk by noon
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
