My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
