My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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