I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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