I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
