you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
