Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
