Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Blood and glitter go together right?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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