So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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