I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
