My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
