brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
