Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
