i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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